Tired of being positive

Universe, I’m tired of being positive. You know sometimes it seems like shit just ain’t working. No matter how positive I am and matter how hard I try, shit just ain’t working out. I say this because I’m tired. I’m depressed because I’m not making a breakthrough. For the past two years my life’s been turned upside down. Nope, scratch that. For the past 12 years, my life has been put through the wringer. I’ve lost everything, multiple times. When I say everything, I mean everything. My home, my income, my savings. I’ve been down to my last so many times it’s ridiculous. Everytime I pick myself up, get it back together, and start to put some money away, some bullshit comes and bam, it’s gone. After so many years of ups and down, you would think I would have given up by now. But nope, I stayed positive, sure that things would work out for me. They would for a while then the Universe would take it all away, leaving me to start from scratch…again.

I’m always the positive one in the bunch; the person others can lean on to have a good word or give good advice. I’m the one who says things are going to get better or think of the good in the situation. Even for myself, I just saying hold on and things will get better. You’re following your dreams and things will work out. The Universe will align things for you. But you know what, I’m tired of being positive and nothing is changing. I’m tired of putting in the work and nothing is working out.

Today, I woke up this morning crying because I can’t take the pressure anymore. For the first time, I let my daughter see me cry. For the first time, I didn’t care anymore. I’m tired of being the strong one and holding it together. I’m tired of holding it in because I don’t want her to see me weak. I’m at my last both mentally and emotionally. I’m in a place where darkness it taking over and I don’t see a way out. I have nothing left to give. To make it worse, my daughter held me and said mommy don’t cry, I’m here, and I couldn’t even look at her. I couldn’t look her in the eye and reassure her that everything is ok. That I’m ok….because I’m not. The pain, hurt, and disappointment has got me in a place and I don’t know if I can move. I just need a break. I’m not asking for much just a break where things better and I can get off this rollercoaster. I’m tired.

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